I Don't Understand Why...

I hate it when you are talking to someone or a better word would be venting and all they have to say is, "it could be worse" or "there are people out there less fortunate then you." Honestly, I work in a field where I am aware that people have it worse. But dammit can't you just listen to me instead of making me feel guilty? Do you really have to always minimize the problem so you feel better about yourself/ the situation? Why is your problem/situation considered small compared to others? Why are we being compared? Sometime you just have to listen! Don't make others feel bad for venting!

*My Words, My Canvas*

I Honestly Try...

This time it is different. Honestly, I am trying so hard but each time something goes wrong. I am constantly reminded that I am a fuck up. I am told things that make me feel bad. Never have I cried this much. Never have I ever been this depressed. My move to Texas seems like the biggest mistake of my life. Each day has been complete torture. I don't know who I am anymore. I have started to doubt myself, doubt my existence. When I imagined my life at 27 I thought things would be different. I thought I would be happy. Funny today someone said to me, its hard to make you smile. I replied with, my smile has disappeared. He responded with, "I can see that." I can walk around and fake a great smile, but it's hard knowing how hurt you really are on the inside. I try to be strong, I try to fight. I understand it would get worse. But when it's been bad for so long you think to yourself ...man I am ready to give up!

 *My Thoughts, My Canvas*

Heart?

It's weird to block feelings out for so long then one day wake up and begin to feel so intensely. Does that mean I'm beginning to have a heart? Where do I go from here? Will I ever be the same or am I growing up?

*My Words, My Canvas*

Happiness doesn't last forever...

I had given up on everything. I did not find pleasure in anything. I forgot how to smile, forgot how to have fun. Things that were once important to be did not take precedence anymore. I just did not care. Some would say that is depression. I would say this is the beginning of something bigger and needs attention. I have spoken to a lot of individuals in the past month who at one point in time have felt this way. However, they do not know others feel exactly the way they do. I encourage you to open up because someone, somewhere is going through what you are going through. We just are not brave enough to disclose! For the first time in a long time I laughed last night, I smiled. I didn't have to fake it. It was genuine.

Tips on how to bring the joy back into your life:

1. Learn how to separate work life and home life: When you walk out those doors at 5pm leave your work life there also. No need to take the worries/paperwork home with you. This can become unhealthy.

2. Choose one day, specific time frame for you: On this day you know and your family/significant others know that this day between the time of ___ to ___ you are unavailable. Do something for yourself.

3. During tough economic times it is often hard to engage in certain activities because everything cost money. Find things to do for free! I ask myself, am I really happy?

No, happiness is never permanent. There will be days where I feel like giving up again, there will be days where I am bitter, however I need to strive for happiness.

The next post I will be talking about voids.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Feeling of the night...

I am not dead but I feel dead I am not lifeless but I feel lifeless I am not alone but I feel alone I am not in pain but I feel pain I am strong but I don't feel strong I feel nothing, I am nothing.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Thought before bed...

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. I pray for those who are currently struggling, stressed or weak be given strength to overcome any obstacle placed before them in life.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Thought of the night

Always remember a person who talks to you about others, will also talk to others about you.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Hurt....

People shouldn't say things they don't mean. Don't say you want to get to know someone when you don't. Don't say you wish they were there with you when you don't. Don't say you miss them if its not true. Saying all those things and not meaning it makes you a liar. It's hurtful to know you never ment what you said. Good night world. God bring me a better tomorrow. *My Words, My Canvas*

Posting After A While....

It has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened and I plan to do a full update soon. However I had a quick thought today. After a month I was contacted by someone I use to talk to. I stopped talking to him due to him being an arrogant douchbag. After talking to him very briefly today I remembered why I stopped talking to him and realized ...once a jerk always a jerk. Follow your instincts. And remember your first decision is the best decision. Things happen for a reason. 

*My Words, My Canvas*

Thought of the Morning...

Words for the younger generation or for those in denial : when a guy says "I'm not a jerk" or "I'm not a doochbag" he is usually lying.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Thought of the Night...

When everything finally is going right, why do I feel so wrong...
*My Words, My Canvas*

The Void...

From that void Came forth a flame, Brighter then the last.
*My Words, My Canvas*

Make Time For Each Other!

No matter if you are married, live together, live apart from each other, or you are in a long distance relationship; it is important to make some time for just the two of you. Our days can be filled quickly with the day to day responsibilities of work, family and household duties. Those responsibilities can quickly consume your day and night and before you know it, your free time exists only in your sleep. We can get so tired and worn out from everything else, that by the time you can enjoy each other’s company, all you can do is say goodnight at best. If this scenario gets out of hand, we can lose touch with our loved one and either or both of you will begin to feel neglected, undesired, and even unappreciated. It is at this time our relationship can become susceptible to influences and issues that normally would not have affected you before. At some point it could even get to a serious point of irreparable decline.

One of the most important needs we have as humans is the stimulation we get from other people. Happiness itself is partly derived from the relationships we have with other people. If the person we value the most is unavailable to us, then we can quickly find ourselves slipping into the darkness of unhappiness or even into a gradual depression. The best cure for the blues is to be around someone we enjoy being with, but being around them isn’t all we need, we need their attention. Being in the same room with our partner while they are consumed with work or other things aren’t going to provide us that happiness, it is going to require them to be there in body and mind.

If you have kids, then you have to spend quality time with them so they have their social needs met from their parents. But mom and dad need their own time as well. Both of you should spend time with the children, hopefully together, but then put them to bed at a reasonable time so the two of you can have your time. Make the same devotion to each other as you did in the beginning of the relationship for the benefit of the relationship, yourselves as individuals, and so your children can see what a healthy relationship looks like. We want our children to have the best in life, and be successful, but we can sometimes overlook the fact that they are learning from us not only about life and responsibilities, but also how to have a relationship. When the kids are up and around the two of you, make sure you are nice and loving with each other, so they see how to treat their significant other when they grow up. Let them see you hold hands, and help each other with the household chores. Let them see dad be a gentleman and put mom first. Give them a chance to learn and have a healthy relationship of their own someday. Don’t teach them to yell at their partner and call each other names or stay apart in different rooms.

Some of us have crazy work hours that can keep us from our family and our love. Sometimes we have to work more than one job or long hours at one job, and it can suck the energy right out of us and leave us with little to offer our partner. The bills we have and the responsibility to the family may dictate that we have no choice but to continue this way. While this can be unavoidable sometimes, the two of you still need the stimulation of each other’s company. So no matter how tired you are all the time, or how busy you are, you must make that time for your partner somewhere. This time can be during a lunch, coffee or even a bathroom break to text or call your partner. Even the littlest of efforts can be seen as grand gestures and highly appreciated by the ones we love. Go straight home when you leave work, splash water on your face if you need a little energy and spend even a few minutes with each other talking. Listen to each other so you both feel valued and important. You don’t need to try to solve each other’s issues, in fact most of the time neither of you want or need any input, we just need to be able to talk and have the person we love to care and listen.

If the two of you truly care and value the relationship you have, then both of you can find the time throughout the day and night to dedicate to each other. Phone calls, emails, and text messages should be used whenever that time cannot be spent in direct company of each other. When you can piece together a few minutes or more when you are in each other’s company, then you should grab that opportunity to be together. If your current schedules do not allow for that, then it is time for the two of you to decide what needs to be removed from your schedules to make that time. If you feel that romance and intimacy have left your relationship, then you should start here. The lack of romance or intimacy is a symptom of other issues, and realizing that and working to correct the real issue will allow the two of you to be intimate once again.

Thought of the Morning...

Instead of looking back at what you might have missed out on, look forward to what you can get excited about. *My Words, My Canvas*

What A Feeling...

I try to not to get excited
I can't help it
I can be myself
No fears
No restraints
The best feeling
Happiness
Peace
I try not to get excited
I seriously can't help it
 *My Words, My Canvas*