Short Poem

These minutes turn to hours

These hours to days

And yet

I haven't seen a day

Where I was just ok...

For those of you who understood it, great. For those of you who didn't ...great.

NOT an Ad for Depression...

Do you ever feel like the “fun” in life has been sucked out of you? You don’t enjoy the things you use to, everything seems like a chore. Even the thought that you have to wake up the next morning just drains you. Well this is not an ad for depression, this is what you feel like when something, some indecent occurs in your life and unconsciously it changes you for the worse.

How long does this last? Well, that depends on you. You are in control of this feeling the mentality that causes you to behave this way. I cannot promise you an estimate on how long the phase will last but I do promise you this: “One day you will wake up and say, fuck it! Today I will live for me, for myself.” That is when things like driving won’t seem like a chore, well until a slow ass vehicle is in the left lane!

How do you get to that “fuck it” attitude? Well, when I find out I’ll let you know.

Personally, there was an incident that occurred at the beginning of the year, which just made me crash. Actually I’d say it felt like someone just took the best of me. Took the best and left this bitter girl (women). No my anger that I still possess isn’t geared towards that person, and yes I know I shouldn’t let this anger out on “life.” And yet even knowing all that, I still can’t shake this anger, this hostility, and this constant bitter and harsh mentality from my life.

Some people will say you need to forgive, once you do that than you can move on ...I say shut the fuck up. That’s the stupidest advice someone can give you. The next time someone tells you that, just take a baseball bat and walk up to their car and bust their windows in, and then when they say wtf? You say, “Forgive, once you forgive me than you can move on.” See how they feel.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad because usually, things that occur in my life don’t phase me like the way this has. This is something new for me. Earlier I mentioned I’m not angry at a person. You probably think to yourself, then why the anger? Simple, I should have known about what was going on, therefore protecting myself from what could have been prevented. Since I did not, could not protect myself, I blame myself. I am angry at myself.

So, what do I choose to do? I’ll wait …I’ll wait until one morning, that morning when I wake up and say: Let’s go to the shooting range!

Hate The Game and The Player...

I never understood the concept or the saying I should say, “Don’t hate the game, hate the player.” (What ever the quote my state)... The way I view that statement is why can’t I hate both? On a more serious note, (and yes that was my attempt at a joke) the player is the one who created this game in the first place right? It goes with any game whether a bored game and or strategy game, whatever it may be. Someone sits, thinks about a way to create a “fun game,” and then it spreads like quick sand.

My question is when does it stop? People usually say “it stops when I find that right person, the person who I can’t live without.” I say, there are plenty of people in this world who find that person and yet aren’t satisfied. They get sucked into their old ways and decide to play that game again. Than we have those people who actually leave or retire from the game. I’ll say congratulations.

For the guys reading this:
Please stop playing with girl’s emotions and hearts when they genuinely are invested.
Be up front and honest, tell the truth and be straight up if you’re seeing or talking to more than one person.
Stop leading girls on.
Before you treat another girl like shit, think to yourself “would I want my sister/daughter to be treated this way?”
Finally, if you’re bored or think the girl’s tripping tell her. Man up and say Buh-Bye.

For the girls reading this:
Stop throwing yourself at every guy and stop believing every word that comes out of their mouth. They hurt you because they know they can.
Stop being so needy and clingy all the time.
If he’s playing the game and you know it, play the game back. Obviously he doesn’t care why should you?
And finally, grow some balls.

Both genders remember: Karma is a Bitch!

Let Me Breath...

I’m tired ….I have no patients left. I am exhausted and can’t do it anymore. I’m the type of person, the type of friend who will put their life on hold to help someone else. One call or cry for help and I’m there in a heartbeat. A distress friend texting me or calling me in the middle of the night needing my support, I’m there. Now I just can’t do it anymore. I am annoyed. I am frustrated. I begin to see a pattern and I don’t like it. People have gotten accustomed to my always being there. The sense of knowing that they will always have me available to their disposal when ever, where ever. I don’t blame them I guess I’ve spoiled them by being the way I am. Now I’m at the point where I’m tired of jumping when they say jump. I am tired of putting my life on hold to make sure they are alright. I’m tired of waking up at night when my phones light is in my face with a frantic text message asking me for advice.

Should I change? Will I change?

Most likely no, but this brief phase in my life …everyone can go on and live their lives; I choose to be invisible at this point in time. I choose to disappear. I choose to be self-fish just for a little while, until I’m happy again.

This is temporary. People just need to stop depending on me for a lot of things. Please let me breath.

Things listed here will not be responded to or tolerated:
"call me I need your advise" ....(Ask me how I am first before you send me that)
"call me" - (Why? Why not just call me? Your the one who wants to talk)
"get online" - (If you can text me this issue why do I need to get online?)
"let hang out meet me here ..." - (Your an idiot...hanging out is something that needs to be planned)
"So this is the situation ...Blah...Blah...Blah" - (You send me 6 text msgs telling me your story and now need advice...don't you have a brain? Stop being dependent on others and live your LIFE!)

Lastly for the acquaintances in my life: If I haven't heard from your in a week, two weeks a month ...don't bother contacting me. Chances are I've already deleted your number.

And yes, if you ask me on Friday if I would like to hang out on Monday than keep in touch let me know if it's still going down. Don't track me down at 1am on Monday asking if I'm still down.

Get a brain people and let me breath. Let me be...

Sacrifice...

Father’s day is around the corner and some of us might be preparing for it. Maybe, getting reservations or stopping by at the mall to pick up something special. I think the best gift a person can give is something from your heart. I know this is a recession and some of us don’t have the funds for that extravagant lifestyle. Maybe some of us have been saving up for this, or maybe some of us don’t speak to our fathers anymore. One thing that you can do is think about all the sacrifices your father has done for you. If any.

Different types of father styles:

Type 1: There might be some of us out there who had a troubled childhood. Your father might have worked a lot and when he came home he would drink until intoxication took over.

Type 2: There might be some of us out there who never saw our dad’s because he was always working, but little did we know that every night when we were asleep he would come into our rooms and give us a kiss.

Type 3: There might be some of us out there who had that active father figure in our lives.

Type 4: There might be some of us out there who never knew our fathers.

Type 5: Finally there might be some of us out there who were abused.

Each of these categories has and does make an impact in your life. I understand that.

If you’re the type 1 that was described earlier in this post then, just realize that your father might have had a rough childhood himself. He probably had a father who did the same thing. He did not mean to avoid you; he wanted to provide your family with money. He worked hard so you can have the things you wanted (your wants, not your needs), he worked hard to send you to a good college one day, he worked to save money for your wedding as a contribution. You might have not seen this point of view when you were younger, but one thing you can do this year is realize he didn’t mean it. He was working for you.

If you are the type 2: Though your father was not around he always had and still has you in his thoughts. You might have not known this was occurring every night, but one thing you can do this year is appreciate that it did.

Type 3: Even though your father was not active in your life, just let it go. Learn from the past, and remember how you felt. I tell you to remember this, so when you have children you are there for them. So your child does not feel they way you felt. All you can do this father’s day, is forgive him.

Type 4: If you never knew your father, just thank god that you were brought into this world. He might not want anything to do with you, but this should make you a better father in the future. This father’s day what you can do is thank your father for brining you into this world. Without you, this world would not be the same. Everyone makes an impact believe it or not.

Type 5: For those of us who were abused or saw our fathers beat our mothers, what you should do is realize how women feel and how it affects them. Remember that you should never replicate this. Treat women how you would want your sister to be treated by her boyfriend/husband. This year for father’s day thank your father for teaching you a lesson that will impact your life in a better way when you have your family.

As for me, I didn’t know my parents till I was eight years old. Here are a few things I do know:

My father has been working since the age of 13.

My father has never had it easy.

My father has always been there for me.

My father has always provided for me, every need and want.

I know he would buy me those shoes that light up when you walk, when the fact was he needed new shoes for work.

The sacrifices he has made for me, I could never pay him back. No amount of money could ever pay my dad back. This father’s day let your father know what he means to you. Say, thank you. Say, I love you.

Remember, look at the good times, and stop remembering the bad times. The bad times will hurt, but we need to forgive in life to move on. I forgave my dad for leaving me before I was even born, and it made us closer.

Be Careful...

Be careful with your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

Unfortunate...

*Disclosure: Because of the confidentiality agreement, all information in this blog post about person(s) talked about will be kept confidential. No names will be disclosed.*

I’ve actually put a lot of thought into this blog post. I did not know if I should unleash it or not. Forgive me if my words are all over the place in this blog post, it’s just that I have a lot on my mind and am trying to throw it up on this Microsoft word document.

Actual conversation:
Me: It’s been two years and your stay with us is finally over on Friday. Are you excited about going home and seeing your family?
Client: What home? What family? They want nothing to do with me. They never really cared in the first place. If they did, instead of being absent from my life when I was younger they should have been there for me. It would have kept me off the streets.
Me: Well, before you depart we need to make sure that you have a stable home to go to, and also we require you to find a job. How is that progressing?
Client: I’ll stay with a hommie of mine, and I’m looking for a job.

Why do I mention this mini conversation? Why is it important? Why is it relevant? Well, let me tell you how I see it. I will keep in mind that everyone’s opinion is different and that you might not agree with me, which is okay.

We wake up every morning in our warm beds and the only worry some of us might have is the question "what do I wear?" Sometimes we get down about life, wonder why things are not going right. Do you ever realize that most likely occurs once in 3 or 4 months?

Some of the teens I deal with on a daily bases, never have had active parents in their lives. One of the teens I see on a daily bases, grew up with his father in and out of prison, now his father is still in prison for murder. His mother was never home when he was growing up. She worked two jobs just to make ends meet, and whenever possible would work over time. He was left in the hands of grandparents and aunts who never really cared for him. He started hanging out in the streets at a young age. Looking for that family he wished he had, looking for someone who will accept him and show him love. He got in a lot of trouble, started using drugs because it made him feel good for a little bit. Temporarily suppressed the hurt and pain he was feeling but could not express.

But that was the past. I really believe that the past is something that should not contradict who you are today. The way I see it, the minute that just past us by is also considered the past. It is about what you’re doing now, what you plan to do that makes your past disappear. I believe that you’re not a bad person, you just pick the wrong route in life. The wrong path. There is always a choice in life; it is your job to pick the best one for you at that point in time. Sometimes we have circumstances that cannot be avoided. Sometimes we are weak. There are always going to be reasons, however the mistakes you made in the past and the wrong path you took can always be fixed in the future.

I know you have read this and are asking yourself, ok what is the point of this post?
Simple:
1) Realize that there are people in this world who are less fortunate then you. When you are going through a rough phase in your life, remember things will get better. Not today, not tomorrow, not in the next hour …but one day they will.
2) Remember, instead of complaining about your life, the only way to fix it is by getting up and doing something about it. We don’t live in a Disney movie. This is not a fantasy world. Get up, and do something.
3) The past is the past, think about your next hour, your tomorrow, your future. “I always live my life an hour at a time, trying to make the next hour the best hour” –K
4) People are not bad; they just follow the wrong path. It takes longer for someone to correct that path. Everyone has their own pace.
5) You can use drugs and alcohol to feel better. I have nothing against it. Do I recommend it? No...But just remember, they aren’t good for you. They might make you feel good for a short period of time, but in the end when the effects have faded the feeling will come back again. The depression will set in again.

“What you do in life echoes in eternity.” - Unknown

“Don’t hate all the roses because you got scratched by one, do not give up all your dreams because one did not come true, do not lose faith in prayer because one was not answered, do not give up your efforts because you failed once, do not condemn all your friends because one of them betrayed you, do not stop believing in love because someone was unfaithful. Remember that another chance will come, a new friend, a new love, a new life. Never give up!” -K

They say life has its darkest moments, before we see the light..

There are no stars
There is no moon
There is just a noticeable darkness
I awake in the darkness
I sleep in the darkness


One day I will rise in the light
One day
My light will shine the brightest
Even in the Darkness

Fed Up?

Do you ever get to the point where you’re just fed up with the way things are headed in your life? At times it seems as if am stuck in some kind of horrific nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I’m at that point in life where I am so fed up that I wake up every morning increasingly frustrated. I’m not frustrated or fed up about the usual topics some people might feel down about. Yes, I’m single but I am genuinely happy. I am not the type of person who needs a guy constantly in her life to be happy. I am not fed up because I don’t look a certain way, or I “wish” I looked like someone else. Honestly speaking, I love the way I look and wouldn’t change a thing.

The reason why I am so fed up is because I have noticed a few things:
1. People who are evil hearted, and step on others to get to higher places in life always seem to succeed and are happier.
2. People who treat others like shit always expect others to treat them with respect. Last time I checked you need to give respect to get respect.

Some of you might read this and assume this is jealousy speaking. I’d say that this isn’t jealousy, or envy. Just curiosity. First, I am the type of person who puts in 110% effort into everything I do; I also have to work hard for everything I want. Some people get everything they want, I on the other hand have to work and work harder to get to that point. Others have it easier, and the one thing they all have in common is that they are the ones who backstab, hurt and manipulate to get to that point. Should I change how I am? I think about that question everyday …I come to the same conclusion. I could never live with myself if I become a “evil” person. I can’t hurt people, I can’t use people for my own benefit. I’d rather be true to myself and put an effort into what I do in order to achieve what I want. In the end my head is held up high.

Second, people will always have attitudes, personalities and different tones in their voice. We have to instead of getting offended, adapt and change the way we respond to those people. In the end we are the better person, instead of telling them off (because I know we can) we accept their rude behavior and let god take care of it. He is watching.

They say life has its darkest moments, before we see the light. They also say that we are put through these tests in life, because this is preparing us for something bigger in life. So should we get fed up, lose hope and quit? I don’t think so. We need to stay strong and not let the up’s and down’s in life effect us. I often feel that when I take two steps forward I tend to take ten steps back. Life is hard, if everything were so easy how it wouldn’t be fun, we wouldn’t learn, and we wouldn’t be the people we are today.

I have to say, be tough, be strong, “baby don’t cry keep your head up even when the road gets hard never give up” – 2Pac.

“Tough times don’t last, Tough people do” –K

Journey Through Life...

I look back at my life and I wonder why certain things have played themselves out like they have. I have always believed that whatever happens in life good or bad usually happens for a good reason. However, lately I have been questioning my own thoughts and wonder, was it really for the better?

My life growing was not what you would call a typical childhood. What can I say, not every family is a happy family right? I’ll leave out the details but let’s just say I wake up every morning trying to fake that smile of mine. I’ve gotten pretty good at it now. I guess, years of practice does pay off.

My journey through life has made me the person I am today. Whether I’m a good person or not, only God can judge me on that. I find it funny that a lot of people who know me, and I mean really know me compare me to the character Angela from “Tyler Perry’s Why did I get Married.” I don’t think it’s a bad thing. If I myself could compare myself to someone or something I’d say I am The Phoenix. The Phoenix is a mythological creature who bursts into flames and is reborn again. For me, after each chapter of my life, after each struggle, after each disappointment whatever it may be I just like the Phoenix die and am reborn again. That is the way I play out my life. Some people live their day’s as if it was their last. I live my life an hour at a time, making the last hour the best hour.

Usually, when the Phoenix in me takes over I do something radical to myself to start over. Start new. Start fresh. I dye my hair a lot. The way I look at it is, by changing something about me (such as my hair color) I become a new person; I can then start the New chapter of my life.

So, do I still think whatever happens in life occurs for a good reason? Absolutely! Without my past, without the experience (painful or not) shapes who you are today. If other people don’t like it, fuck it. As long as you are happy with who you are and who you have become that is the only thing that should matter. And if you don’t like who you have become change it! “If you can change your mind, you can change your life.” –K

Remember, you can’t and will not be liked by everyone in this world. As long as you got a few good people in your life, I think that’s all that matters.

I want to take this time out and thank my four favorite girls for always being there for me. I want to thank you all for being such great friends who I feel are my family. I want to thank you all for giving me so much and not asking for much in return. I want to also thank you for putting up with me when I am difficult. I know I can be. I love you all!

“How we spend our days, is how we live our lives...” –K.

To Lie or Not To?

The way I live my life (and I am not saying this is the only way) is by being an open book. I do not volunteer information out to you, however if you ask I’ll tell. The most irritating thing a person can do in life (besides the obvious) is lie. In my opinion, I even consider keeping a secret as being a lie. Growing up life taught me many things; one thing that hurt me the most was being lied to by my family. I understand that at times family members lie to you because they believe they are protecting you from getting hurt. My mentality thinks that everything should be out in the open.

I am at this point in my life where positive things are happening for me and I have no room for so called friends in my life who lie. I would rather get rid of them then to hold on to fake friendship. I believe in having a small group of close friends who are real then having many friends who often become acquaintances. I decided to recently take action. I noticed a pattern of lies friends would tell me, then one morning I’d wake up and just block and delete them from my life. I would get on my cell phone company website and block them. I’d erase their number from my phone. I would get on facebook/yahoo messenger and delete them from my friends list. Harsh? Well, I have low tolerance for liars.

I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad that those who are in relationships decide to lie to each other. People wonder why there is so much drama when they are in a relationship. I have noticed the reasons are: lie, no trust, insecurities, or you’re found an individual with a DSM disorder and you didn’t know it. Lying takes up a lot of energy. You have to make up a story and then in the future continue to make up more stories to cover up the last one you told. If you’re the type of person where your phone is “off limits” then you’re giving your significant other a reason to not trust you and become insecure. I have noticed that when your straight out say, “my phone is off limits” that is when your significant other becomes suspicious and wonders, “Why.” Alternative method would be to let your significant other to have access then they won’t even want to touch it. They won’t even be curious, because they have the security that you are not hiding anything from them nor holding back in the relationship.

What is the point of this post? Nothing good ever comes out of lying, tell the truth and save yourself and the people around you lots of unnecessary drama and stress.

Favorite Songs of the Night...

Lil Wayne - Single
Tech N9ne feat Eminem - Felt the way
Bizarre ft Tech N9ne - Believer
Tech N9ne - Leave me alone
2 Pac -I wonder if Heaven's got a ghetto
Nas - One Mic

That is all for now...

Invisible

Invisible
Nobody can...
See me.
Hear me.
Feel me.
Sense me.
Invisible is how I feel.
I try to hide my pain.
It builds up inside me.
I live in Darkness,
where nobody can touch me.
I sit here waiting,
waiting for somebody to
save me from it.
I long to crawl out of Darkness,
but I can't find the strength
Slowly I drift into Darkness.
I'm being killed from the outside-in.
I'm dying slowly.
Stop my suffering.
Stop my pain.
Stop my agony.
Put me out of my misery.
Darkness
It hardens the heart.
It makes a person cold.
I have lived so long in Darkness that it is the only real thing I know.

-K

As it was..

Then as it was
Then again it will be
I can't figure out if this is the beginning or the end
If you listen really hard
They say people who have no hopes are easy to control
Is that why people take advantage of me
If there is so much beauty in the world,
Then why can't I see it
It's the simple things in life that make it worth living
Then why does my life seem not worth living
Hearts will never be practical
Until they can be made unbreakable
I'm just learning how to smile,
And that's not easy to do
And yet it's over before I know it
-K

Lifehouse – Everything

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You’re everything
You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won’t let me fall
You steal my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in
Would You take me deeper, now
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this
Cause you’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything