Where did the Passion go?

There was once Passion, slowly I have noticed from one side it has disappeared.
I don't know what the cause is. I would have hoped differently.

I want to look at two kinds of married couples, the technically married and the passionately married.

The technical marriage consists of a couple who is fulfilling the legal obligations of the relationship but is notably devoid of any mutual feelings. Either for the sake of the children or for saving face in the community, they have chosen to remain together, even though they can barely stand each other.

The husband fulfills the bare minimum of his responsibilities by going to work, paying the bills, playing with the kids, and running the occasional errand. The love he once expressed towards his bride is long gone, replaced by a deep disdain for the woman he now lives with. For better or for worse, he has chosen to continue this façade.

The woman is equally disgusted with her partner, carrying out just enough of her wifely duties to convince society that she is content with her marital arrangements. She will cook the food, clean the house, and even force a smile on her face when seen in public with the man said to be her husband. But deep down she has no feelings of love towards the father of her children.

On the other end of the spectrum, the passionate marriage has two individuals madly in love with each other. When apart, they dream of the moment they will reunite. They have ceased to be a married couple and have become true lovers.

The husband constantly finds excuses for not going out with his friends, choosing instead the company of his soulmate. He looks for different ways to express his love, fearful of any letup in the raging wildfire of their passion. He continuously searches for the perfect gifts to express his love, always finding one better than the last one. Those rare moments when she expresses disappointment with him seem like an eternity, resulting in a flurry of attempts to alleviate her concerns.

The wife counts down the minutes until her husband returns from work and uncontrollably weeps when he is late. Hours with her sweetheart pass like the moment between two breaths. A smile from her lover melts her heart and transports her into a different dimension.

Those whom he loves have become beloved to her and conversely those whom she loves have become beloved to him. Their hearts pulsate in harmony, skipping a beat only when the other is mentioned.

Ponder over these two relationships and how contrasting they are.

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Surprise

I find it funny because I love surprises but I don't know what it feels like to receive one...

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Is it? Isn't it?

Fear will always prevent you from moving forward. You have to ask yourself....if it worth it?

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Poem of my Life...

No matter how hard I try in life I will never be good enough for anyone.

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Use it, wow its gone?

Let’s talk about the reasons we unknowingly take people for granted.

The dictionary defines ‘taking something for granted’ as:

To fail to appreciate the value of something e.g. So many of us take clean water for granted

To accept something as true without questioning or testing it
Another dictionary also defines the act of taking something for granted as: To give little attention to or to underestimate the value of, to fail to appreciate

Thus, when we take someone for granted we are failing to give him or her attention, failing to appreciate their value and we are accepting as true without questioning that he or she will always be there. We tend to do this in most areas of our life including our relationships (romantic relationships, friendships and business relationships.) Many of us take for granted things such as freedom, personal security, clean air and water, food, etc. We can easily lose sight of value.

Of course, we suddenly gain appreciation for something once we have lost it.

Each one of us can probably identify one if not many areas of our life where we take someone or something for granted. The one aspect of our life that we usually take for granted the most is the people closest to us – friends, family and loved ones.
When we take someone or something for granted we are creating a habit; a habit is something we do or do not do without conscious thought – an almost automatic reaction. We take people for granted because we feel secure in our relationship or we assume that they will always be there, and in turn, this leads to a loss of appreciation and a loss of assessed value for that person. In other words, we only truly appreciate, value and feel grateful for something when we consider the possibility of loss; we assume that there is permanency with our relationship, our job or the things around us. Nothing is truly permanent.

I am not suggesting that we turn to the other extreme of living from a place of constant fear of loss but rather that we consider that everything is temporary, it is on loan, and as such everything is a gift or a blessing.

One of the most common complaints from my clients in relationships is that their partner takes them for granted and does not appreciate, recognize or thank them for who they are, what they do or the ways the contribute to the relationship or family. And this complaint is even more prevalent amongst men who say their wife or girlfriend does not express any form of appreciation.

The antidote to the habit of taking someone or something for granted is simply gratitude which can be expressed in the following forms:

Give attention
Express interest in your partner or loved ones; ask questions, listen intently and sincerely; spend time with him or her; be a companion and a friend. Another common pain and issue for many of my clients is the feeling and experience that their parents did not give them enough attention when they were growing up. To give attention in the moment, refers to making that person a priority. Set aside time to spend with him or her and when you give them attention, make it undivided. In other words, focus purely on him or her in the moment – do not text, read emails, surf the internet or check messages while you are with this person; make them feel like a priority; look in their eyes and listen with your heart as well as your ears. And when giving attention, make the topic about them not you, otherwise you are simply using them to give you attention.

Appreciate
List all the qualities and aspects of your partner for which you can be thankful and then set aside time to express that appreciation.

Value
Why do you value this person or this relationship? What is special about this person? How has he or she positively impacted your life? What difference has he or she made or continues to make, and how does he or she contribute to your joy and happiness? List the answers to these questions and then you can…

Express gratitude
Each and every one of us needs to receive a thank you but needs it in our own unique way. For example, some people want to hear the words “thank you”; others want to feel it with a hug, a kiss or some form of affection; others like to see it expressed in small gifts or actions (a thank you card, a favor returned, etc.) Become clear about what your partner needs to feel that you are grateful (words, gifts, actions, etc.)

Beware of neglect which is one of the key components and signs of taking someone for granted: George Bernard Shaw, the playwright and essayist who won the 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, once wrote that the essence of inhumanity is not hatred but indifference. When a person truly doesn’t care about you, they ignore you. Your comments, thoughts, needs and existence are irrelevant. What does it feel like to be invisible? When you become so busy with work, bills or the children that you barely notice your partner, then you are neglecting him or her. Love is about helping the other person to feel special, and that cannot occur when you don’t tend to them. The solution is to consciously be aware of how much time you are devoting to everything else over your partner.

Finally, as a close friend once said to me: cherish those around you because someday they will not be there. Express your love, appreciation and gratitude now to the people who matter the most in your life; you don’t have to wait till Valentine’s Day!

*My Words, My Canvas*

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Don't Screw it Up...Too Late!

As I rest my head against the cold glass window looking over the ocean, I had only one thought in my head. Everyone deserves to be happy in life. We are given options in life to choose happiness or to dwell in the present. Is it so hard for us to stop focusing on the negativity from the past, that it will cause an individual to stop living life fully. To stop them from achieving happiness?

God or your higher power puts us through many obstacles in life. I've have always believed that: tough times don't last, tough people do. The question is when do you wake up from the negative past and say to yourself: its my turn! Happiness will find you and it is ultimately up to the person to decide if he or she will let fear into their lives and push the happiness away or embrace it with open arms.

The point I am trying to make is that we all go through things in life that breaks us, makes us bitter, makes us stronger or just hurts us to the point of recovery. However, it is up to you on how you handle thing. Do you grow from the situation? Do you turn to other methods to suppress the pain? Or do you just shut down? Your life and faith is in your hands.

Many lie awake in bed at night asking god or their higher power why? I say, stop it. Get up, grow some Texas size balls and move on. If you don't, you never will know what you might miss in life. Stop using the past as an excuse for what is holding you back because you are the only person responsible for what is holding yourself back. No one else should be blamed.

In closing, remember: if you can change your mind, you can change your life.

*My Words, My Canvas*

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Wait ...Who is This?

What I have to say tonight is rather brief. I intend to keep it that way:

As she walked towards me I could not recognize her. She stated, “thank you for the kind words.” I looked at her with a blank stare. She asked, “Don’t you recognize me?” I said, “---Name---?” It was my former client. I terminated therapy with her two weeks ago because she was in a better place now and decided that she did not need therapy any longer.

What a transformation. She went from a female with a tom boy style to appearing more like a business women. During therapy she managed to: move out of her mother’s house, get certified as an assisted living caregiver, and increase self-esteem and confidence.

The best part of this experience: She thanked me for helping her. She was grateful, she was happy. I made a difference one person at a time.

Thank you god for giving me the ability to help others and ask for nothing in return because the satisfaction I get from seeing my patient in a better space is all I need.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Jump Ship...

A car, stranger(s) and the unknown. The fear non-existent. Each person has strengths and weaknesses. Many believe that their weakness is something that forces them to, “fuck up.” What most do not realize is that this weakness is not entirely “horrible.” This weakness can become someone else’s strength.

For example if the individual is a control freak and use to the black and white life style, most likely flexibility and patients will not be their strong suit. They meet someone who requires those two important words, “flexibility and patients” this automatically becomes very difficult for the control freak to understand. They only thing on their mind is to jump out of the car. Later we might realize god sends us these “strangers” and god takes us to the place of the “unknown” because he wants you to learn from it. “People come and go, they leaven footprints.” I believe this is a “sign” that might be teaching us a lesson in mysterious ways. The lesson is, STOP, RELAX, and be PATIENT. The control freaks are use to their strict lifestyle that they forget to stop and breath.

We are told early in childhood that there are negative qualities about a person and positive qualities. I understand that some do believe that certain qualities might not be so great, but when do we say, “Hey I learned a lot from _______.” When do we learn from others and others learn from us? Society/Mental Health Professional will always have a say in, “what is right and wrong personality wise.” I think that we should take each person and learn from them and grow.

At first the car, the stranger(s) and the unknown were scary. A few days ago I would say, “I HateLove that feeling.” Now I say, “I can’t wait to see what happens.”

*My Words, My Canvas*

Moving On...

Communication is a topic I touch on quite often. Once again I would like to write a short blurb about it. Especially for those readers of mine who are in some sort of relationship, whether it is friendship or a coupled relationship.

What does communication mean to you? To each their own, but this is my blog. My definition of communication required understanding, feedback, words, body language, tone, writing, eye contact and expression.

This becomes very hard when two individuals are living far apart. This is when words can become the most powerful tool in your relationship. Use it! Time with this person is precious.

Let me explain why communication is important:

**NOTE**WHEN THESE THINGS BECOME REPETITIVE IS WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM**

-You do not see this person every day; communication is limited to the internet and cell phones.

-Neglecting and not communicating with this person will not do good, only harm. This person will get the impression they are not wanted.

-When phone calls decrease significantly in amounts that is another sign of lack in communication and tells the other person to Move On.

-When the person does not call to say good night anymore, not only is communication not being used, the relationship dynamics are failing.

-Neglecting important topics will lead to unhealthy relationship and unsatisfying one.

- Also for all the men and women out there in long distance relationship. When a guy or girl rather spends more time with a friend who they can see every day, any day instead of taking a few moments out of his or her life to talk to you, there is a problem. Move On.

I know what my decision would be when placed in that situation, what is yours?

*My Words, My Canvas*

And the Journey Begins...

My mind it is telling me to run. Run far away and never look back. The past shapes our personalities and is a part of who we are today. Why is that such a bad thing at times? Do the good experiences only have positive effects on us, or do the negative experiences really impact us. Our whole being.

It is rather unsettling when things are going well, too well, a person can’t help but take a moment to think,” when is this going to fuck up?” Why do some individuals automatically become frightened? Or is it not possible to ever have something go so well? We get scared, we shut down, and yes we push and push to fight that feeling and yet it still lingers above our minds. Floating like those animations you see in the comic section of a newspaper.

After being burned more than twice, what makes a person say, “This is my year, things will work out.” Should we just blame optimism? After so much “bad luck” a person starts to wonder, should I put my heart into this or is it already too late, because it’s in. Once it’s in then what? Wait until its shattered again? Or does the defense mechanism initiate and the pushing away beings.

Life is very strange, too strange if you ask me. To the point where it is safe to say, we just do not know what will happen. Have you heard that saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince,” well what if the fear pushes that prince away until all is left are blissful memories? Why can’t we just let life pass us by an hour at a time and not worry about the “ifs” and “buts?”

The truth is our fear, our hurt, our pain; our bad experiences will always stop us from taking that next step. We have to just let life happen and not interfere with god’s plans.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Going, going, gone...

This feeling is indescribable, the pain undesirable, the love …priceless. Yesterday morning a client was pronounced dead, due to an over dose of heroin. He was only 17. He had been 6 months sober. The clients that come into the drug and alcohol rehab I work for keep getting younger and younger. Our youngest client was/is 13.

We all went to pay our respects last night, at a get together to pay respects to the departed soul. The lives that were affect because of this incident endless, 48 people mustered up the courage to show up. The rest just couldn’t find in within them to come. It was too difficult.

The life of an addict and alcohol abuser is not easy. The craving, that “one hit” can take your life in a heartbeat. The disease does not care. However, people do care. Clients come and go; little do they know what a big impact and footprint they leave in our lives. Those memories are unforgettable.

I think it’s rather humorous how many people in this world go on and complain about mindless issues. For example, paper cuts. And the rest of the people in this world are suffering each day. They either are fighting to stay sober one more hour, one more minute. Or the others are trying to control their auditory and visual hallucination because of their diagnosis of schizophrenia or their mood disorders and sexual traumas.

Working in this field has taught me a lot about life and the type of person I aim to be (if not already). Be humble in life, appreciate what you have, and appreciate life and the people around you. Life is precious, death is long. The LAST thing a parent wants to do (no matter how horrible the relationship) is bury their own child.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Lean On Me...

When do we start relying on others to help us with daily living skills? Well, not just helping with that. How about when we ask for favors such as, “hey can you pick up my dry cleaning on the way home?” When does this transition start to form within us?

I believe this is initiated by others and taught to individuals at a very young age. Remember day care? If none of you have been to day care how about pre-school? There is a period of time allocated just for, “clean up time.” The person will instruct children to help clean. Do any of you remember this song? “Clean up; clean up, everybody clean up.” The teacher is relying on these kids to help make their day easier by getting that cleaning done. Along the way, the children are learning three things. One to follow instructions, two clean up after yourself, and thirdly it is ok to rely on other people to do things for you.

How about an injury that causes you to require help from someone else? How does it feel to rely on someone else to do things for you? What if they way they do it isn’t satisfactory to how you would do things. Well, it’s the thought that counts right?

I can pick at the little things such as asking a family member to grab you a soda, glass of water, help fold those irritating clothes that are still sitting in the dryer. When did we start becoming so dependent on other people to help us complete tasks? Why ward off these tasks to other people when they are meant to be accomplished by us? When do you say, “No, I can do this on my own.”

No matter how independent we think we are, or say we are, we will always rely on other people for one thing or the other. Even if it’s standing in line at Starbucks waiting on, relying on that individual to make your coffee, latte, or even grab that bagel for you.

This point of this post is just to create awareness for you who are reading this blog.

*My Words, My Canvas*

It's free!!

The best things in life are free. Excuse me! Nothing is free! Not even relationships.

Think about this scenario: You find someone interesting. You ask them out and just for the sake of this scenario we will say that the person said, “Yes.” You take them out, maybe to eat at a restaurant. In the end for all the guys out there you do spend money on that person when you pay the bill. However, if you both split the bill, hey you still spent that money right?

Scenario no. 2: Let’s say you do not go out and eat, maybe you meet up somewhere. For this example we are going to make the location a park. Even though you do not have to spend money at the park, you sure do have to spend money to get there. Ask me how? Well silly people, the gas that it takes you to travel from point A to point B.

Let’s not talk about relationships. Let us talk about free samples? No, wait even better how about we talk about, “the best things.” Seriously what does that even mean? I truly believe that, “the best things” has a different interpretation from individual to individual. What I think is the best, is not necessarily what other people think is, “the best thing.”

How about having a child for the first time is that the best thing? Yes? No? If it is the best thing um it isn’t free. Well after you see the hospital bills, the money spent on formula, diapers, school supplies, clothes, high school, and college etc. Yeah that does add up.

Oh I have a good one, “waking up next to you every morning is the best thing.” And it’s free. No ladies and gentleman it isn’t free at all. You paid for “the best” by basically taming the mountain tiger (the girl or guy) into a sleeping bag by sacrificing and spending money on that person. Can a relationship really work without money?

Something to think about: Will your arms keep your spouse warm at night if you have no shelter. Will your love fill your spouse’s stomach when you have nothing to eat?

Let us back track to where I stated, “Waking up to you every morning is the best thing.” Let us analyze this. You wake up next to this person: the bed you are sleeping on = $, where you live with this person = $, additionally you have to compromise every day to make your partner happy. I think it is especially important if your partner is a woman. If you want her happy in the morning, it is important that she wakes up to something amazing (e.g. kind words, presents, and unconditional love) with the addition of sex.

Finally I want to come to my point. I mentioned a few things earlier and I would like to quickly touch on them in this section. “The best things in life are free.” What is free? Kind words, unconditional love, support, and being genuine.

Brief list of things individuals think are free:
Free samples – in the end you are pressured to purchase, if you do not purchase and run out of the sample you are shit out of luck.
Gifts – you have to gift the person back when it’s their birthday etc.

*My Words, My Canvas*

Times Up ...You're Out

You truly are alone in this world when you are going through something (e.g. surgery) and you have no one who cares enough to wish you good luck. I find it sad. On the other hand, do we really need people in our lives to say something simple as, "good luck." Life has been so busy that friends have felt ignored and have stop communicating. Is having a career bad? Or is having a career that forces you to neglect those who care worth it? All that money you spent on education, all those sleepless nights spent studying, would you give up a little bit of time in your important career to keep those individuals in your life who will say, "hey good luck!" Can there be balance? What is life without balance? In my opinion after working a 24 hour a week job with a two hour commute one way, also working a 40 hour job a week with an hour commute one way really drains you. All you have time to do is work out and when the clock hits 8pm your passed out. what ever happened to those friends where after not communicating for let's say a month, you can pick up the phone and start where you left off? Why is there a unwritten law that says, "keep in touch or else you are not my friend."

Personally, ill get back to you when I can. Just because I don't reply right away it is not because I do not want to talk to you. I am busy, I am tired, I want to be alone. But I will get back to you.

*My Words, My Canvas*

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I Will Be Heard...

I always thought speaking up was a good thing. I mean how can it be such a bad thing? Am I so wrong to voice my opinions, my thoughts, and my feelings? Am I so wrong to say something when I think you are out of line? Am I so wrong to tell the waiter/waitress that my soup is cold or my coke is flat? Am I so wrong to get angry when a car does not stop at his stop sign and almost causes a huge accident that could have been avoided if he/she would just have followed the rules? What would have happened? He/she might have to wait three seconds or less for someone to pass and be three more seconds late to pick up the prostitute on the corner so he can finally pay to get laid.

I know you shouldn’t say things when you’re angry but I am furious. Very furious. I have this vain popping out in the middle of my forehead and it just won’t go away. I know it’s not a pretty picture.

It is frustrating when you find out that the person you thought knew you well and have known each other for over 15 years gets mad at you for speaking up. Seriously, did you think I wasn’t going to say anything? Through all those years, when have I not spoken up? It is how I am. I will speak up. I will speak up when you and I are walking down the street and a car is recklessly backing up and half an inch from you. I will speak up when our lives are in danger. I will speak up if I disagree. I will speak up if I cannot hear you. I will speak up if I am not feeling well. I will speak up when you give me a reason not to trust you.

People are not mind readers, I WILL SPEAK UP, I WILL BE HEARD, whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, then please get the fuck out of my life. I DO NOT PLAN ON CHANGING.

*My Words, My Canvas*